Perfection

I want to be perfect.

It’s something that I’ve struggled with all my life, the cause of many depressive episodes. I know that it’s something unattainable but it’s still what I thrive to, even though it’s the very thing that kills me inside.

I need to be perfect.

I know that it’s impossible but it’s a need I can’t quench. If I’m not the best, then what’s the point? If I can’t come out on top, then why bother? Why go through all the motions if I’m going fail?

I hate the word: Failure.

I can never be less than, I must never be less than. My peers, colleagues, family or even strangers. If I’m not at the same level as them or higher, I see no worth in that.

What does it mean: Worth?

I base my worth on being the best. If I can’t be then, ultimately, I’m worthless, useless, obsolete. I see no point in being in a space, where I’m not perfect because then I’m replaceable.

Irreplaceability, what I yearn for.

At the end of the day, that’s what it all boils down to. If you aren’t the best, you get replaced with something- someone- better. That is a fear of mine. I guess you could say that my self-worth and self-esteem is incredibly fragile, and I’d say that you are spot on. If, by being perfect validates my self-worth then I’ll chase it till I die.

Because I’m too broken to validate myself.

Stuck on the ride

Everything is quiet and loud at the same time; my mind is going 1000 mph while physically my body moves at 5 mph. It’s a feeling I’ve become accustomed too, I’m still unsure whether it’s a good or a bad thing. But I’ll peg it as helpful. Well, helpful on the days that my mind isn’t consumed with thoughts that make my head spin with how fast I’m thinking, things that I shouldn’t be thinking, things I want to complete shut out. Feelings that I want to disappear and cease to exist.


But then comes the days when I can handle the rollercoaster of thoughts in my head, but my body doesn’t recuperate, it just decides to not want to do anything and I’m stuck. Stuck on a merry-go-round on which I’m slouched against. And it moves too slow, so fucking slow and I want it to end. Those are the days I hate the most. It’s a feeling of constant boredom and I can’t do nothing about it as I am not the operator of the ride.

But the funny thing is, I am the operator. At least a part of me is but I don’t have control, control of what I think and how my body feels. It’s constant. The ride never-ending, always moving. Some days I just want to shut everything down and kill the switch making sure it never starts up again, those days are the days I fear because it’s those days that I realise that I have a problem and I fear that it won’t be fixed.


I fear that it’ll be the day it’s all over so I stay slouched, whether it’s on the rollercoaster or merry-go-round I stay. Stuck on the ride for the fear of ending it all.

Schadenfreude

Her hand trembled as the gun fell from her hold, her eyes glossed by unshed tears. She let out a muffled cry as the body in front of her slumped to the cold hard concrete ground of the dark alleyway.

His head whipped around instantly to her, with smooth glides, he stepped over the lifeless body and stood in front of her. He gently caressed her cheeks with the palm of his hands. She was openly sobbing, tears rolled down her face.

“Why?” He tilted his head to the side. “Hm, why did you do that?”

She stared up at him, biting her lips, “I-I-I don-” She looked beyond his shoulder to the body, another broken sob trembled out of her. “I don- don’t know.”

He shook his head in disbelief, tutting slightly, “I think you know. Tell me Sophia. Why?”

“T-to pro- to protect you.”

“Why?” The hold on Sophia’s face tightened, his palm dug into her ample cheeks as his fingers embedded themselves to her temples. “Why?”

His eyes darkened, the colour drained from her face. His hold was like a vice, getting tighter with every ‘why’ he asked her. Her vision blurred as red spots began to appear, tears turned to blood. His tone became sinister, his smirk could rival Lucifer.

“Why!”

Squelch.

“Was that necessary?” It came from behind him, his head bent backwards. Insanity in his cruel smirk.

“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’ with a cackle, “I just wanted to play.”

He flung the body to the side and watched it slump to the ground. He glided back to the body of the pale blonde and kicked it a few feet away from him. “Oi Yura. Get up!”

Yura was instantly on her feet, she cracked her neck before charging towards him with the intent of knocking him out. He shifted, with his signature smirk in place, to the side causing her to collide with the remains of Sophia, all the while tousling his white hair.

“You promised that I could kill her Takashi.” She played with an eyeball before looking at him, “I had so many ideas.” She shrugged, as if to say ‘oh well’ before squashing the eye rolling between her fingers.

“Stop messing around.” It was the voice from before. On the roof of one of the buildings that was facing the dark alleyway, sat a little girl. Her face sweet, but voice chilly. Her red eyes shone as she spoke. “We have to report back to Her.”

“You’re no fun Lucy.” The complaint came from Yura. She picked up the other eyeball and ate it, she picked up one of Sophia’s arms and ripped it out of the socket. Yura bit harshly into the skin, chewing heavily as if it were her first meal in weeks.

Yura finished gorging on the arm, stood up and made her way to Takashi. “Just so you know,” she jabbed in the shoulder, “your next kill is mine.” The moonlight bounced perfectly off her canine that she proudly showed with blood coating it.

Takashi rolled his eyes before shooting off towards the moon, making his way to the meeting point. Lucy followed him. Yura huffed childishly before departing as well.

The room was dark, and no sound could be heard. All that could be seen was a pair of red eyes glowing.

The trio instantly dropped onto their knees as soon as She snapped her fingers. The curtains flew open and moonlight poured into the room.

“Where is she?”

The trio tensed up immediately, jaws clenched but they force themselves to relax just as fast- however this does not go unnoticed- “who?”

She scoffed as she pulled herself up from her throne, casted in shadows.; the clicks of her heel bounced off the walls. She fully emerged from the shadows, her glistening purple hair reflected off the moonlight. The smirk on her face morphs into a scorn, almost animalistic. It sent shivers down the trio’s back.

“Who? You are asking me who?” She stopped right before the three, “I give you a simple task. Didn’t I? All you had to do was deliver her to me.”

She walked around slowly, like a lion stalking their prey, “wasn’t that simple enough for you incompetent fools!”

“Ma’am, it was an unfortunate accident.” Lucy spoke without fear in her voice albeit her hand trembled in fear.

“Explain it to me, how unfortunate was it that you idiots could not complete a simple task?” Ice dripped from her words, sending a chilling shiver around the room. The three almost choked on it, they were losing their breath with each tremble.

“I killed her ma’am, I had to. She saw me.” Yura dropped to her elbows, her head low.

“You did what?”

“Killed her ma’am.”

She stalked over to Yura, her purple hair wild, unleashed with fury. The veins in her neck palpitating with each step.

“Who authorised you to make such a decision? Because it was not me.” She grabbed Yura by the neck and yacked her across the room. The heavy smack of a body hitting the wall vibrated around the room.

“Do you have any idea of what you’ve just done? Sophia was our way of making the humans grovel under us.”

“I’m sorry ma’am. I didn’t know that she was that important.” Yura’s voice was barely above that of a mouse.

“Do you know you just killed? The key to keep the putrid race of humans beneath us.” She bent down in front of Yura, her nails extracted as if it were a lion’s claw. Her sinister smirk returned as she jabbed her nails into Yura’s chest. “Beg.”

“Please ma’am. No ma’am. I’m sorry.” Yura shook her head as droplets of tears fell down her face like a tap that hasn’t been fully closed.

“Good.” She ripped her heart out and squashed it in her palm. She stood back up and threw the remainder of Yura’s heart in front of the other two.

“Get rid of her and retrieve Sophia body. Now!”

The two scrambled up, Lucy immediately going to pick up Yura’s bleeding body as Takashi went for the heart. The both bowed their heads before scuffling out the door.

“Now that was a bit dramatic. Wasn’t it Ji Woo?” Mischief was clear in his voice.

“It was absolutely necessary Daichi, those bumbling idiots ruin everything.” Ji Woo stalked back to her throne and draped down, her legs dangling from the arm rest as she placed her elbow on the other.

“It’s not completely ruined. We’ll just need to change our strategy.”

“And what do you plan on doing?” Ji Woo inserted her nails before licking the blood clean from her hands.

“Paint the streets of Japan red.” Daichi came out of the shadows, the corners of his lips pulled up to an almost smile as he kneeled in front of Ji Woo. “With your permission of course.”

“It better be a true work of art.”

“Oh, believe me, it will be.”

A dream of white lilies

White lilies covered the ground, falling from the sky.

Her body still against the wind, her blood tinting the white lilies around her. A smile still on her lips.

“Get up!” I yell, my knees wobbling. “Get up.”

I run to her, falling on my way to her lifeless body. The tears free-falling on my face to her cold face.

“You promised! You promised me!”

“Why did you break your promise?” I scream into her chest, pulling her body close.

I lift my head of the desk with a fright. Was it? Was it a dream?

A white lily lands on my open palm, the opened window allowing wind in, blowing my hair everywhere.

More lilies fall on my desk and palms. Wasn’t just a dream?

“There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” She says. “Let’s go.”

She’s not dead. So it was dream after all.

“Yeah.” I stand up, picking up my bag, I leave the classroom with her.

“Race you.” And she sprints down the hall, laughing, I chase after her.

Just a dream.

Sticking out my right hand to grasps hers, thousands of knifes strike my heart. Blood splutter out of my mouth, I fall to my knees.

She too, falls, lifeless to the ground. White lilies fall gracefully on her face.

Wasn’t it just a dream?

SEA

The limpid ocean is calm, gently washing towards the shore.

Her breaths following the pattern of the tides, the moon pushing and pulling, she exhales and inhales.

The stars twinkle above, her eyes shines. They resemble stars.

She stands, albeit on wobbly legs, and discharged her top. Her shorts are next to go.

Slowly she ascends to the shore, the water just touches her feet. Exhaling shallowly, she walks into the sea.

Her feet no longer touch the bottom of the ocean, gliding her arms gently she swims further into the sea, leaving behind little ripples after her.

The moon shines before her, she laughs breathlessly. Her breath clear as day.

Leaning back, her head lays on top of the water.

Her body relaxed, she starts to drown.

Her body sinks.

The only witnesses being the moon and the stars.

It was the end…

A smile

At the back of the room sat a girl, her head slumped down. Everything was noisy and quiet at the same time, it made her queasy. It wasn’t the room but the people, her anxiety was raging on the inside. She had to get out.

At the call of her name her head snapped up, “Are you okay?” All eyes were on her, her face grew hot- not that you could see from the colour of her skin- and she nodded nervously and smiled. The teacher smiled back and continued with the lesson.

The bell went, and the class ended. She hurriedly got her things packed to leave the class but, on her way, she was stopped. “You know you can tell me anything right. I’m always here.” She nodded again and smiled but with confidence this time.

And so, she did. Every time things got too much, or she started falling back into her negative headspace, her teacher was there to listen and not send her away by saying she’s “mature enough to deal with it.”

When the bullying was too much, she followed her to get it sorted.

When she didn’t believe in herself, her teacher did. She believed enough for the two of them.

When she wasn’t confident in herself, her encouraged her.

When she didn’t feel safe, all her teacher had to do was smile and she felt safe again.


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